Just as I promised, I am here to tell you about the former crush I had whom was the hardest to get over with. He was a good friend of mine and I found that it was fearless to fall in love with your best friend. My idol, Taylor Swift, quotes that. I believe in him but I am not sure if he believes in me. He could tell it from his mouth and convinces me anytime he wants, but the truth is still there. Hiding in his hidden eyes. I have to admit I write so many, many songs about him. I write about how lucky I am to have him as a good and close friend and how I wish we'll be close forever. And the feelings I had, well, it was undescribable and I believed that it was another feeling of joy inside of me. I was happy with the feeling, until he asked me this. He asked me, if we dated before, would we be together and last forever. I wasn't sure what to answer him at that time, but now I do believe I have it. But I'm waiting for him to ask me that question again. Because if he does ask me about it for the second time, I'm just hoping all those faiths come back to me and show me directions of how to tell him the truth. He told me he had a girlfriend before when I was 18, and I have to admit I was bruised by his words. He asked me if he gave roses to her, what would she felt and I suggested him to give her red roses instead of other flowers. I know I shouldn't have told him that because it bruised me much deeper inside, but, I just couldn't let him know how I felt. You might think it was foolish of me, but that was what I could thought of. I didn't want to tell him how I felt because I didn't want to lose him. He couldn't ever be my soulmate but at least he still can be my good friend. He's the best friend I've ever had and I knew him since we were 15. Good times.
And the songs I write about him, well, that was the hardest part. The first time I met him, I wrote how he shone in front of me and how beautiful those eyes were. And I sat next to him and I actually wrote about him but when he tried to look at my writing, I covered the song with my other books. And so he didn't see any visible word in my paper. In conclusion, I write everything and anything about him but he didn't notice. That wasn't a good sign because he thought I was imagining the guy in my songs when the guy I wrote and described all these years was all about him. I didn't write his name out but the characteristics were all about him. Maybe he missed that out, but I did give signals to him. He just didn't realize any of it.
When I was doing my practical in Raub, when I was in the fourth semester last month, my two friends and I went to KL and I told him about it. He wanted to meet me. And so I went with my friends accompanied me. I wasn't scared to meet him alone, but I knew he would bring along his friend too. And I was right. He brought along our former classmate, Chee Ken. How they both grown up to be . . . college boys. And he wore a light-coloured shirt and faded blue jeans, while I wore a green T-shirt and a blue jeans. Of course, my friends weren't talkative as usual during the meeting and I was being myself -- shy, speechless and stared at him talking. He glanced at me while he was talking to Chee Ken and I wasn't sitting facing him, but his friend. And he made us laugh, of course, he always does that. And he offered us food and drink but we weren't really hungry. It was just enough to see him again. And when it was time to go home, he offered to walk us to my friend's sister's car, but we refused him to do so. We've bothered him enough.
And after the meeting, I was confused. Confused of thinking if I accepted him two years ago, would things be the same. And I couldn't remember how we became good friends. I mean, things weren't always the same but the way he wrote things in his notes in Facebook, makes me think about it all over again. The note below was the one I'm meaning about. I'm not sure who the girl he's referring to, but, it is a lot like me. Here the note is:
Alteration..
Monday, March 8, 2010 at 2:00pm
Love.. These feelings aren't intentional; you and I both know that.. Are the feelings reciprocal..? I'm always afraid to admit the truth, so I have always stuck here wondering if you ever felt the same way about me.. I don't know if it's infatuation, lust, or actual love..
I honestly can't tell anymore, I've fallen too many times now.. Am I just another common friend to you or is there something more..? I don't know what to do anymore, could you just please give me a sign..? I mean like, 'come on show some signal or whatever..'
This might give away who I am(obviously =P) and who I'm talking about but I'm willing to risk that.. Just for you maybe.. Maybe if you read this, you might understood what I'm trying to say.. Friends, they are a valuable thing, too valuable, that's why I don't have many of those(You know who you are =D)..
I may sound like a loser or a loner to you, but I'd rather have this life(But I'm afraid), than one with a bountiful of friends that don't care.. I may be insecure, and I tend to worry about minor things but I never let the feelings show(maybe).. Sometimes there isn't much space to kept all these feelings and is hard to store it..
People who know me thinks that I'm strong, even though I'm really not.. I'm softer than a cotton, way too soft that I might even get carried away.. Of course this may seem easier said than done, and it may be true, but it's worth a try. If you ever read this(I knew you would), I hope you know who you are, because I have already told you this once before maybe many..? xD
A friend isn't a friend to keep if they are never there for you.. If they don't want to be friends, just let them go, is not worth keeping as it will collect dust.. You will make plenty of friends in life, so letting one go is sometimes okay.. I hope this is making sense to you, because I'm getting a little confused.. You kept me a side like a doll waiting to be clean.. Sometimes you don't sometimes you did yet you are not throwing me away.. I'm so confuse with the sign you gave.. Too confuse that I have no word to replace it..
Please stop being so pessimistic, because I hate seeing you like that.. Every time that you are sad, it makes me feel the same.. I feel like I'm no help to you even just a little, and that just makes things worse for me.. I try the best I can to cheer you up, but I don't really know how.. Probably I'm afraid of trying.. I hate failures.. I fail too many times in my past, too many that I afraid to just try.. It frustrates me that I can't do anything yet seeing people revolve around you is much better than me.. Tell me what I can do to help you(I will try)..
If you ever need me, you know where to find me(I hope O.o).. I will be here with open arms to help you, and I will try my best to put a smile on your face.. I have know too much about you that sometimes even a slight error, I just could not resist it..
Sorry if my words confuse you as much as they to me, sorry if I'm not a great friend, and I'm sorry for being me..
Let me end with a quote I love.. =D
Thx for those who love my notes.. Appreciate it lot..
Love you guys.. xD
"I am not discouraged, because every
wrong attempt discarded is another
step forward."
- Thomas Edison-
-Chung Yii-
The words are so deep but I couldn't figure it out. The boy I'm talking about is this boy. The only face that took me four years to get over with.
the left one . . .
That's all I can say about what happened after my boyfriend and I declared as boyfriend and girlfriend. and thank goodness it was over with. Sorry for not insertingg the first song I wrote about him in here. I think the pictures worth the description of him in my songs. Well then, I'll blog more about my stories soon.
Forever and Always
Hannah
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